he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
