Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
