At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
