I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
