how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
