When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
