cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
