Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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