I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
