We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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