i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
