U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
