Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
