So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
