I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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