I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
