Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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