Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
