you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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