its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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