Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
