Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
