If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
