I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
