I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
