you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
