I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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