roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
