Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
