Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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