oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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