but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
