just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
