sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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