I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
