Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize