I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
