i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
