last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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