Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
