Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I just went to clothing optional bar
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
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