i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
