i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
