In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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