it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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