I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
