i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
