I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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