i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
