hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
we're so committed to being not committed
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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