I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
